"HOMILY" 

I have been a surgeon for the past 36 years. Let me tell you more what a surgeon is. There was this long line in front of the pearly gates of heaven and a surgeon in his classical uniform - green scrub suit, cap, mask and shoe covers - walked right in without falling in line. The lawyer at the end of the line shouted to St. Peter in protest : Hey, who does that surgeon think he is, God?  St. Peter got up from his chair, approached the lawyer and said: That was God, he thinks he is a surgeon. 

In July of 1993, I developed acute pancreatitis (was it because of my drinking as an Upsilonian?) and was confined for 6 weeks at the Manila Doctors Hospital with severe abdominal pains. This was the time that Vic Puyat, Maning and Juliet Rivera, Winnie Monsod, Ruben Villareal visited me for the much needed rah-rah. There were other Upsilonians with Vic, but I was in the Operating Room at that time. In early 1994, I was confined again for kidney failure at the Makati Medical Center and stayed for one whole year. 

My years of practice as a surgeon did not really prepare me for my life as a patient. I had to adjust to health problems, problems which I as a surgeon used to assure my patients would be relieved with some medication I had written on the chart. I lost my appetite and was unable to eat for a whole year, unable to perform a basic human necessity which I took for granted when I was healthier. A tiny tube was inserted into my stomach through my nose and blenderized food finally found its way  into my stomach 4 times a day. 

I also developed the restless leg syndrome caused by my kidney failure. I could not sleep at night. I became dependent on sleeping pills, and worried about drug dependence. 

I had to undergo hemodialysis three times a week, for four hours each session. It was boring and I reviewed my life during those long lonely hours. Being a Sigma Deltan, my wife, Bella, was always there with me. 

In her novel "One True Thing", Anna Quindlen said: "I wondered why I had not known how good it was to live so normally, so everyday. But you only know that, I suppose, after its not normal and everyday any longer." This was very true for me: a tall glass of cold water, eating, taking a pee etc. 

A physician who becomes a patient understands the finer details of the disease process and I was no exception. I wanted answers to my problems: why I was unable to eat, why my blood pressure did not go down in spite of 5 kinds of anti-hypertensive drugs, why I had left abdominal pain during dialysis, why I had weakness in walking 

The feeling of frustration deepened through the months. I turned to herbal medicines for short periods of time. The trouble with alternative medicine is that there are as many suggestions as friends and visitors. Someone wanted me to take coffee through my rear end - a coffee enema. I saw other people, normal people - doctors in corridors, ditch-diggers across my hospital window - why didn't they have end-stage renal disease? There were many occasions I could not breathe, especially at night. This was due to water accumulating in my lungs, water that could not come out through my kidneys. I got weaker and weaker to the point I could hardly walk. Someone had said: "Frustration can be softened by a touch of resignation to realities" 

A resignation to realities - I was a patient now; I had this chronic and disabling disease, and I felt dejected by my prolonged confinement. Through these bouts of feeling downhearted, a lay brother, Brother Fred, and a priest, Father Dave, gave me a much needed spiritual lift. That crucifix that hangs in hospital rooms showed me that my pain was nothing compared to His suffering. Most of the time it was only the crucifix and me in that lonely room. 

As a surgeon, I knew that my only hope would be a kidney transplant. But before that could be done, my gallbladder had to go because I had gallstones. As a patient, I learned to cope with fear. The psalmist says: "The Lord is with me, I have no fear." I had faith in God and I trusted my doctors. I was no longer afraid. Jesus had said: "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Fear robs us of our confidence. But the human being that I am, there were short bursts of fear. The water in my lungs made me feel like I was drowning. There were bouts of very low blood sugar which left me with the scary feeling of impending death. There were times when I would black out during dialysis because of a very low blood pressure. 

The year seemed to ebb and flow in waves. I felt varying moods of sadness and confidence, despair and determination, hopelessness and hope. I found comfort, strength and solace from God and my family, from the bible (given by an Upsilonian, Oli Tuico, whose passion is to preach the gospel to criminals condemned to death or life imprisonment), from books I never had time to read before, from prayers and masses offered for me, from get-well wishes and visitors. I felt comfort when the nurses would hold my hand or stroke my back whenever I was in pain. 

Having emerged from this particularly trying but enriching experience as a patient, I have become a renewed surgeon with more compassion, more gentleness, more patience and more humility. From surgeon to patient to surgeon - that is the life I was meant to live. As the actor Christopher Reeve emphasized: "You play the hand you are dealt." I have been reborn when I underwent my kidney transplant last January 24, 1995, which I now celebrate as my new birthday. A new life now flows in me. This is my second life, a life a I now find more attractive, a life with more  color. I have new energy. I am alive with the life of God. 

Francis Bacon said: "Troubles and adversities do more bow mens minds to religion." Indeed, I have become closer to God. I read the Bible everyday. I thank God for the wonder of each day that passes. I pray for the sick especially those in pain for no one knows better of their misery than someone who has been through it.  The liberating nature of suffering has led to my salvation. According to St. Paul, suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

Very briefly, my message is: Let us not wait for sickness to come to reassess our priorities and  change our lives. Why wait for a cancer, a heart attack, a stroke, or kidney failure before becoming closer to God. Let us quit our bad habits while we are ahead. Let us lead more productive and ethical lives. Find wisdom, gain understanding. Let us  ask the Lord to teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12) 

The psalmist reminds us : "They shall still bear fruit in old age; they shall be fresh and flourishing." 
 
Let me end this homily with a prayer by an unknown author: "I asked for health that I might do greater things; I was given infirmity that I might do better things."